Episode 8 - Suzanne

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Hello. And welcome to the Quiet Women Podcast. I'm your host, Stephanie Sumner. On this episode, I'll introduce you to Suzanne Flowers. When I embarked on this journey, I suspected it would be difficult to find women like me who would step forward to share their stories. We're called quiet for a reason. So when I receive comments with praise and admiration for what I'm doing, I often ask if they'd be interested in being a guest. Such was the case with Suzanne. In fact, she agreed without even knowing what she wanted to talk about. Discovering that she was the daughter of an alcoholic, it was clear that this was going to be an important episode. In addition to sharing the difficult road she was forced to travel, she paints a picture of a man who loved his family, loved God, and sought to help others in every way possible. Welcome, Suzanne. I am so happy to have you on the Quiet Woman podcast. Thank you so much for joining me. Yeah, I'm really happy to join. We have known each other mainly in a professional manner because we worked together not not too long ago when you led the social media team at the ad agency where we both worked. I'll say what I know of your personal life has really been limited to what I see on Facebook, which isn't a whole lot. So I was really happy to hear from you. What moved you to message me?

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Yeah, I saw the announcement that you were doing the podcast, and then I started listening to some of the podcasts, and I just felt that people's stories are very interesting to listen to. And I guess, you know, I reached out just to tell you that I thought that it was a great idea, and I was glad that you had gotten it started. Um, and then I was glad that you reached out and said, Hey, do you want to be on it?

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Can you talk about being a quiet woman? Is that a term that is new to you? Does it mean something to you? How do you interpret um the term quiet woman?

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Yeah, I'm honestly, I think I had to rethink how I thought about a quiet woman. Like initially, when I think of a quiet woman, I think of someone who is very, very introvert in kind of a 360 kind of way, um, in every facet of their life. And someone who's probably not very talkative, um, and just quiet. That's how I think of it. And I think in some ways that's not just a quiet woman, because if you think of it in that way, I'm not, you know, I mean it depends on what mood I am. I think that's everybody, but I definitely talk a lot. If you can get me talking, I talk a lot. Um, but personally, and what I choose to disclose about my personal life, I guess I am very quiet. I don't talk about it a lot for various reasons, but just because I feel sometimes that it's, I guess, easier just not to talk about my personal life. And I think that in a sense, it kind of protects my emotions in a way. So I don't I don't disclose a lot of my personal life, especially um, you know, in a work setting.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

As we were prepping for this conversation, you revealed that you sang opera and you were once a champion pole vaulter. Did being a quiet woman have anything to do with those pursuits?

SPEAKER_00 4:20

I don't know. Well, I can tell you just a little bit about I just loved singing. I watched Sound of Music growing up and I took- Oh, I loved that. Yeah, I started to sing and I thought that I could go out into a field and start singing, and it just like happened, and I quickly found out it doesn't just happen. And so I took singing lessons and um I enjoyed that. And it was, I I think that if I had not done those things, um I probably would be more quiet today, um, in regards to getting in front of people, but it definitely helped me, it pushed me. So it was like I told my parents I wanted to sing, and then they pushed me to do it. It was a struggle, and it still is such a struggle. Um, it's hard for me to sing in front of people, which I think if you talk to any musician or singers, it's hard for anyone, um, no matter how many times you do it. But I definitely think that it contributed to maybe overcoming and just being super shy, you know, in every area and allowed me to, I guess, present, be in front of people, perform in front of people. Um, so it's it's I think a positive thing. And then with the pole vaulting, I took gymnastics. I loved being in the air, and I just loved it. It was it was fun. In my small town, we had just our our county had just started pole vaulting. So I was one of the first pole vaulters for my county. Um, when they started to do it, I was like, I really, really want to do it. Uh, so I raised my hand and uh was able to start doing it and I enjoyed it, but it's one of those things I don't feel like is that common. So when I do tell people, they're like, What? Pole vaulting scares me.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

I'm I've never I've never tried it, but watching it, I'm like, how how can you maneuver that pole? Like it doesn't break, and somehow it it carries you up in the air.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Oh yeah, it does break though. Do not be fooled. Oh, it does. Um, you have to make sure you have the the right pull for your weight, and um you know that it's used properly. If not, there have been pole vaulters. I'm sure you could Google it and and see ones that have broken, and that's pretty scary.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

It never broke on me though, so you've spent many years staying quiet about a big part of your life. Can you talk to me about the struggles that your dad had?

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Yeah, my dad struggled with uh addiction, um, alcohol mainly, um, some pain pills, but he struggled with alcohol primarily. He he said that he struggled with it from an early age, but he was able to, I guess, get a hold of it for several years of my life. For most of my childhood, I never had any idea that he even had this struggle. You know, it didn't affect his family life or his or his work life that I knew of at a young age. You know, he was very active in church and Sunday school, he was a teacher. I never knew anything that he had this, I guess, struggle. And then when his dad died, my papa, and I was in tenth grade in high school, he had a hard time dealing with it emotionally. And he also dealt with kidney stones too. So I think that's where some of the pain medication addiction came in. Um, and how easily doctors give out pain meds. And um, so then he had kind of twofold the alcohol and the pain medication. That's how he coped with losing his dad. And that's when I really started uh noticing that daddy had struggled, and then he became more open about it when he talked about it because um when he wasn't going through a time of where he was drinking, which was very roller coaster, it wasn't all the time, it was, you know, on a few weeks, off a few weeks, on a few weeks, off a few weeks. I mean, don't get me wrong, there were some times where it was longer than a few weeks that he would be on or off. He was always trying to overcome this addiction and he always wanted to be very transparent. So where I was quiet about it, he wasn't. He, you know, posted about it a lot on social media. He, when he would go to treatment centers, he was very open to helping people through sharing his story. So that's why, you know, I feel comfortable talking about it today. It's because I know that he would see this as, you know, sharing to an audience, if anyone can relate to what I've been through in some way, hopefully it helps just that person know that they're not alone and have or they're not the only person that's dealt with a close family member who has been impacted by addiction.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

How did the addiction negatively impact your family?

SPEAKER_00 9:43

My dad was so outgoing. He was truly the life of the party. He was very personable. He can go into a grocery store and talk to anyone and have them smiling. He was just such a likable guy, and you always want the best for people. He had so much potential. He helped my papa with his business. Um, and then he we had a farm with 250,000 chickens and over 200 acres, and he did really well. And in at that, he didn't graduate college. So he was just very um, he taught, he was self-taught, and and whenever he was interested in something, he he learned about it. He just was talented and you always want to see the best for somebody. So when you're when you've grown up believe like seeing someone in one kind one way, and then to see them unhappy and struggling with addiction, um, it hurts. And it also hurts in the sense of you know, they're a little emotionally absent when they're drinking. So there were times where you feel like you need that emotional support, and he wasn't able to support maybe me or you know, us as a family because of that emotion. Um, and then I say that emotionally because we've he would always, no matter what um financial work to financially support us, but um emotionally he was it was a especially in the beginning, it was a struggle. It was a struggle to see him sad. It was just it was sad, especially with daddy. What was so hard is that he was trying so hard to overcome it, and it felt like he essentially was drowning, but he was trying to save himself, and he was trying to swim, but he couldn't stay above water, and you know, it was just hard.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

So, how do you, as his daughter, watching him struggle and drown, how do you try to reach out and give him, you know, a life preserver? How how do you help?

SPEAKER_00 11:59

That's a hard question. I mean, you can try and help as much as you know how to do. I would just say encouraging him to to go to treatment centers, to live healthy lifestyle. Um, and I felt like there were a lot of times I would have heart-to-heart conversations with daddy, and I felt like he understood. But at the end of the day, that person has to make the decision to help themselves. There's really not a lot I feel like you can do. I mean, there were a lot of things that I did do for him. I mean, I gave him a place to stay, I gave him food, I gave him technology to help him get jobs, I drove him to work when he worked at a at a Home Depot near me when he was kind of in his lowest point. Um, one of his lowest points. I I did all of those things to help him live. I don't know that it really helped him overcome his addiction.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

What was a day in the life like?

SPEAKER_00 13:09

Yeah, um, well, when he was staying with me and working, when he was doing well, he was great. And so the day in the life of that was he stayed at my place, we'd wake up. Um, he would usually have a shift at Home Depot where I could um drive downtown. I was living in Atlanta, um, drop him off, then I would go to work, um, probably about a few miles down the road. And then um, if he got off work before I did, he would always just take the bus back to my apartment or I would go pick him up. But um, you know, it was definitely ups and downs. So that's on a good day, you know, on a bad day, he might have gone out and found something to drink. And um, that's where it became hard. And eventually I had to draw the line and say that that I couldn't, it wasn't healthy for me to have him at my place if he was gonna drink. And again, I I know that he understood because we had a lot of conversations after that about it. That must have been so hard. So, where did he go from your place? Yeah, it was really hard. Um, he didn't have anywhere to go. He had to go to the Atlanta mission, which is the homeless shelter. Um it was really hard, you know, but it was the only thing I could do. And I I know that he made it work. He did it, he went, and then I I guess in some way too, I felt like I was enabling him if I let him stay with me. Um and I think in some ways, you know, I did it for myself, I thought I was doing it for him. I think I had this honestly, I developed this control kind of complex, which I think I probably had anyways. I think it's a little genetic, um, just controlling situations, but I think this definitely increased it. Um, where I felt like if I could do this, or if I could do that, or if I could say this, or I could if I could say that, then I could just get him back on track. And I guess I felt like sometimes providing him a place and just allowing him to stay with me and and have idle time that maybe he it provided an atmosphere for him to go drink. But I don't think it did. I think that you know, I think at the end of the day it just wasn't healthy for me, and I needed for him to figure out a way to live, and I felt like I needed him to do it in a tough love kind of way, so it was hard because it's not something you want to tell your dad that he's not essentially welcome to stay with me anymore, and to know that the alternative was homelessness.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

When I think of an alcoholic or an addict, my mind immediately goes to Frank Gallagher on Shameless. Yeah. And that is someone who is, I think, the extreme, um, who's just constantly down and out, and everything he does is selfish and about getting that next drink or that next hit and homelessness and family pushing them to homelessness, but but that's not completely accurate, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:55

No. I mean, it's there's definitely different types of addicts, and I think probably the one that is honestly sometimes most dangerous is the person that you don't think has an addiction because you don't know that you need to help them. And you know, someone as evident as Frank Gallagher, and it's a little bit, I mean, it's not different in the sense that it's hard to overcome addiction, it's all the same, but at least you know kind of what you see, what you get. And Daddy was, um, he did get to the point of obviously that it was definitely more evident, but I think that he struggled for it for so many years and didn't get or didn't seek the help in therapy, maybe, or counseling that he needed to work through internal issues to maybe prevent it from getting too far. There's a kind of a dry drunk situation where if someone is going through kind of a binge, um, you know, you can see that he it takes a toll on his body. So not considering that time frame when he'd kind of get over his um like drinking binge, you would have no clue. He could clean up, he could be back to his normal self, his old self, and you would have no idea when he was going through some of the ups of his um addiction and not drinking and not, you know, doing anything. Um, he'd get a job, uh, you know, and and you just wouldn't be able to tell. He was helping people, he was going to the gym, he was staying in South Florida at one point, where he'd gone through a treatment center there and had a job where he was working a lot. He'd even got an apartment. This is after he actually stayed with me in Atlanta, and so he was doing so well. He would actually drive up and see us on some weekends. It just felt so great. I mean, he was kind of getting back on the dating scene again. Um, and he, or at least trying to, and trying to create somewhat of a social life down there, and and you think all of the things look so great. Um, and you would never know that he had an addiction and and struggled with it. But you know, it what he tells me is no matter how many months, um, I actually think he went close to a year, maybe. I could be making this up. It's really hard to remember. He would go long periods of time without drinking, even when it became like even after those high school years where it became noticeable, he would go a long time without drinking, but he said that that um urge to drink never goes away. It's always a constant battle. And even when he was doing so, so well and was so healthy, like I said, he was going to the gym, drinking a lot of water because I would always get on to him about that, um, doing protein shakes, cooking a lot. He did these hilarious cooking videos. Um, and I actually tagged Food Network one time. I was really hoping that we could get him a gig, but um he you just couldn't tell. He he wasn't that what you would, when you say alcoholic or an addict, he was not what you think of sometimes that's portrayed in in television shows.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

So you talked about how he took donuts to people on the streets, and I know that he taught Sunday school and he was open about his struggles on social media. Can you talk a little bit more about his heart and how he was trying to um trying to help others by sharing what he was going through?

SPEAKER_00 20:54

Yeah, um he he was very open with it. He posted a lot of his testimony on Facebook and social media. He went to a lot of treatment centers and made a lot of connections with people, and he was just very open um when it came to when I mentioned um when he was in South Florida specifically, just giving at least one example, he would take hamburgers and or donuts down to people that were homeless to help them. And he told me he, you know, obviously people are hungry, but um, people who are homeless who may or may not be struggling with addiction, um, that kind of sobers up people. And also about I guess three, two to three years ago, he um started looking for a house. So he was staying in a house that someone had created for people who have addictions and It was like an apartment complex, so it had like six, I think maybe six units in it, and it was specifically for people who were struggling. Um and he wanted to help people, so he and he'd been to some treatment centers, um, all different types of treatment centers, but um he wanted to eventually, I don't think he was trying to do a full-blown treatment center, but he really wanted to at least provide a house or something like that, so where people who were struggling could come and stay and start to be rehabilitated. So the place he was staying in, um there was a community of people staying there with struggling with the same issues, and they would go through um AA. But a lot of these people staying in this apartment had already been through multiple treatment centers, they'd already been through recovery, and it was still a struggle. And when you when and if you are have someone in your family dealing with this, you find out that a lot of these treatment centers only let you go back so many times. Um, some I think I think they'll let you come back more than once. I don't know that I heard of any place that wouldn't let you would only let you go once, but I think like more than twice, they don't let you go back. So a lot of times it felt like he'd exhausted all the treatment centers. And at least this was a place for him to kind of continue for him to stay, and a lot of them also only let you stay there so long. So this house he was hoping to create in a place where he also stayed, again, helped for people with addiction struggling to stay in a community of people who were also kind of still battling it, who had just gone through treatment as well, but also to provide them kind of a roof over their head and and a place to stay, a safe place to stay, as they continued to go to meetings and that sort of thing. And I know that he was looking to get a place, um and he was starting to talk to agents, and then he um passed away before he could do it.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Wasn't that that idea of having creating one of these houses wasn't that part of his last conversation with you?

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Yeah, it was the last conversation I had with him. Um he passed away on a Friday, I talked to him on Thursday and he actually was really excited about it and was wanting me and my me and my brother and sister, my husband to come up and check out this house that he was looking at. Um because he was so excited about it because he was gonna stay there, and then he wanted to, he had extra rooms and he was planning on you know letting other people stay there as well. It was really he and he had talked about it for years and years and years, and it was just finally coming to fruition.

SPEAKER_01 25:11

After having a conversation like that with your father, where um where the future is so bright, how did you receive the news of his passing?

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Well, uh, two steps back, I he was still struggling. So while he still wanted to help people, and he and I think that was probably the testimony of Daddy, is like no matter how hard he was still struggling himself, he always found it in himself to still want to help other people. Um and so actually at the time of his passing, he was he was still going through a hard time. He was still um at that point in time, I wouldn't say it was one of his ups. It was kind of one of his downs. He was still struggling. Um and but he no matter what, he always thought was important, so that's why he was trying that. Um when I heard of his passing, it was devastating for multiple reasons. In some ways, personally, you I always wanted to see him overcome it and live and end his life happy. And I guess in some ways I didn't feel like he ended it happy. And I felt like there was things that I could have done or said to prevent the outcome. But I know there wasn't. So it was hard because you wanted to. I always had it in my mind that one day Daddy was finally gonna overcome this because he always tried so so hard. And that one day it was gonna be it, and that it would be o and that and that part of life would be over and we would move on. And it just it just never got there, and I it was just hard because you want that for him.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

Absolutely. I know and and it it's not your fault or your responsibility as hard as that is to accept. I can only imagine. Especially with some for someone with a uh a need to have control for for something so out of your control to happen.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Um, we did find out that, you know, it wasn't his passing was a heart attack. So, you know, I think when you deal with somebody who or has a family member that struggles with addiction and you know at the time they're still struggling, your mind automatically assumes that maybe that was the reason. Um, which we did. Uh, you know, we thought that that could be a reason um for his passing, but we found out through the toxicology report later that there was actually very small, small amounts of alcohol in his system and no like pain medication or anything like that. And so um they rolled it a massive heart attack, and I guess that lifted a weight in the sense of at least from my perspective, where I felt like I tried to help him so many times, you know, that that I could have done this or I could have done that or said this or said that. Um it took a little bit of that weight off, but I think that you know his body just couldn't take it anymore. So he just it it just his body went through a lot. He was in his 60s, and I just don't think it could handle it anymore.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

Didn't you say he had been in and out of the hospital a good bit prior to that?

SPEAKER_00 29:23

Yes, he did. He um that year that he passed, he was in and out of the hospital. Well, he was whenever he was going through one of his hard times, he would be kind of in and out of the hospital. It was a way for him to um safely detox. Um, because especially when you put your body through that, there are cases where you know coming off that detox can become dangerous, and he would go into the hospital when he felt like he needed medical support.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

You had all of this going on, but you have still had a successful career. How do you, Suzanne, continue to function when this is weighing so heavily on you?

SPEAKER_00 30:17

Well, I mean, I would say one, a great support system. Um, people who I surround myself with, I mean my husband, um, my family, my brothers, my sister, my mom, you know, and even my dad was always my cheerleader. Um, but I know that that's not always the case with somebody that who is dealing with someone with addiction, but just surrounding yourself with people who try to support you and your decision and helping you emotionally get through what you need to get through without honestly giving too much opinion. I would say one of the things that was not as helpful, and and maybe that is why I'm kind of quiet about it, is getting kind of opinions from people on you don't want to hear, oh, you need to leave your dad alone, or you know, that's it's sometimes you get advice that's just not helpful. I think being able to compartmentalize um my personal life with my work life and not letting it filter too much into. So I had to really put on a different game face when I went to work because otherwise it could emotionally affect my um my work style, my relationships at work. Um, so being able to separate the two, and it was also kind of an outlet as well. It was kind of going to work was a way for me to somewhat turn off or temporarily forget about what was happening at home.

SPEAKER_01 32:01

I imagine you were selective in who you chose to share this with as well because you didn't want to be known as the girl whose dad is an addict.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

Yeah, I I didn't I wasn't, you know, at all ashamed of it. In fact, most people, especially from my hometown, know that knew that daddy um struggled with addiction. Um, but I guess in a work sense, I know I had mentioned to you before that um I didn't broadcast it, I guess, at work, because I didn't want people to say, you know, if there was something going on at work and maybe I was frustrated with a certain situation or a client or, you know, whatever it may be, I didn't want someone to just say, oh, well, she's she's going through a lot at home, you know, that's why. Because I really worked hard at separating the two. So I didn't want someone to use as an excuse.

SPEAKER_01 33:12

I believe that every dark cloud has a silver lining. And was wondering, what do you think is your silver lining from this experience?

SPEAKER_00 33:24

Um, well, personally, you know, I think it made me a stronger person. Um I think that it helped it made me want to help other people with addictions. I don't know that I'm in a place right now. Um, my dad just passed away. Um will be coming up on two years in July. Um it feels like yesterday. And um I don't know that I'm in a place right now to help yet. I don't know that I've healed enough, but I want to get to the point to where I feel like I can help people with addiction, or at least um have conversations with people who might have family members, because you'd be surprised um how many people have someone in their circle, whether it's family or friend or uh friends, you know, friend that is struggling with it and you're trying to support them, but you don't know how to, and just having a conversation about it. Um, when daddy did pass away, I I wasn't able to separate work and um my personal as much. And um actually opened up to one of my actually Facebook reps at the time, and um she opened up to me a little bit about what she was going through or what she knew, somebody she knew was going through. And um it was just kind of feeling that connection with her and understanding that like there are so many people that this is just way more common than than what people talk about. I think that she was able to connect to me and I to her as well, um, just by disclosing that information. Um so really being able to talk about this and and help other people in any kind of way, um, whether it's emotional support or or whatnot. Yeah, it's why I chose this topic was the first step to talking about it, which leaves me vulnerable in some sense. It's hard to talk about it. It's hard, you know, at every word that I'm saying, want to make sure that um I paint the right picture of what and who my dad was, um, in honor of his memory, because I can honestly say that he he loved people, he wanted to help people, he wanted to help himself. Um, in some ways, I think he helped more people, he helped other people more than he was able to help himself. Um, when he did pass, um, we had so many people reach out on Facebook, phone calls, text. Um a lot of them had been through treatment with him or had just met him. And a lot, several people even said that daddy saved their life um when they were battling addiction. And the impact that he had, I didn't realize until after he had passed. And I guess with every word that I say as part of this podcast, um, I want to paint that picture of who he was, and I also want to just let other people know that, you know, there's other people out there and to feel free to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

I think that's beautiful. Is there anything else you would like for people to know about you or your dad or this experience?

SPEAKER_00 37:23

Um, just that I loved him and I miss him, and I don't know that I'll ever stop missing him.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Yeah, I don't I don't think you ever will. I lost my dad twenty one years ago. And he never met my children, and I think about him every day. So but that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

I just did a little bit of research in preparation for this conversation, and according to Al Anon, one out of every seven households in the US has a heavy drinker. And alcohol abuse appears to be a strong precursor to substance abuse, which I don't think is a surprise. So there are very likely people listening right now who can identify with your story. And what advice do you have for them? Especially those who are quiet women like you.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

I would say that my um biggest piece of advice is as hard as it is to just kind of reset when you start to go down a path of thinking that you said or did anything that maybe triggered someone to drink, or changing the mindset of thinking that there's anything you can do to change it. And to, as a quiet woman, to seek that support, to you know, be encouraged to talk about it with people, um, even though you may not want to talk about it because you are quiet, depending on the type of quiet woman that you are, um, to to truly find those people that you can that can support you and help you get through it and that are helpful um and not hurtful. These Al-Anon and AA classes are um, you know, things that you can go to are helpful in the sense that, you know, you can find people who are going through the same thing that you're going through and they can help you um figure out what's okay and what's not okay, what's enabling, what's not enabling. Um, so to really seek that support. Um and as a quiet woman, I'm sure it can be hard.

SPEAKER_01 39:58

If there's anyone listening that wants to reach out to you directly, would you welcome that?

SPEAKER_00 40:03

Oh, yes. I mean, if anyone felt comfortable enough to reach out, you know, I'm not claiming to be an expert in this, and all I really have is to share my experience and what helped me. Um, but I would be more than open to talking to someone in that capacity.

SPEAKER_01 40:28

Suzanne, thank you so much for opening up about this very personal and very emotional piece of your life. It has been eye-opening for me in so many ways, and will surely touch others as well. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

I am incredibly grateful to Suzanne for sharing her story as she did, and I hope it finds its way to people who can really benefit from hearing it. As some of you know, I'm a big fan of GMA's Robin Roberts. She's a proponent of what she calls making your mess your message. That's what Suzanne's father was trying to do. He used his problem with addiction to connect with others and share the lessons he'd learned to keep them from going down his same path. Suzanne herself is doing the same thing. Sharing her life's experience in hopes it helps make someone else's life a little easier. Following in the footsteps her father left for her to fill. Like father, like daughter. If you would like to speak with Suzanne about your own situation, please email me at quietwomenpodcast at gmail.com and I'll connect you. Thank you for listening to this episode of Quiet Women. I invite you to join our Facebook community. Search for Quiet Women Podcast. And if you are a Quian with a story to share, or would like to nominate someone to be a guest on this podcast, please reach out to me at Quietwomenpodcast at gmail.com. Until next time, remember, your silence doesn't define you. Your unique and complex life is what has made you into the amazing person you are today. I see you. We all see you. And we are here for you, and we cheer for you.