Episode 1 - Stephanie

Hi, and welcome to the Quiet Women Podcast. I'm Stephanie Sumner. Along with being a marketing executive, mother, entrepreneur, and many other things, I'm also a quiet woman, someone rich in stories and experiences that I've kept mainly to myself. In each episode, I'll introduce you to a woman like me who will share one of her own interesting stories, and I invite you to celebrate her and her courage to be heard. I thought the best way to kick off this podcast would be to share my own story about how quiet women came to be. In addition to being a quiet woman, I'm also a wife, mother, only child, advertising executive, writer, Sunday school teacher, journalist, entrepreneur, yogi, musician, cook, speech lover. The point is, I am a complex person who doesn't like talking about herself. And doing this, actually talking about myself, makes me uncomfortable. I suspect that's going to be a common thread I discover as I talk to other quiet women. Being the center of attention is not my cup of tea. I remember being nervous about my own wedding because I knew all eyes were going to be on me. Fortunately, it was one of the best days of my life. And being surrounded by family and friends who I knew loved me and didn't judge me turned out to make everything okay. Did you hear what I just said? That word? Judge. Judgment. Fear of judgment has undoubtedly shaped who I've become and made me into a quiet woman. I was shy as a girl. So shy that my third grade teacher called a meeting with my mom to discuss my shyness. I lived for my mom's approval, so overcoming that shyness was something I had no choice but to do. I became a high achiever in school, again to please my mother, which brought with it confidence and my shyness gradually subsided. But the fear of judgment remained. Let me say right now that my mother is an amazing woman, who I love and admire so incredibly much. I'm not lying when I say I want to be her when I grow up. But the reason I held so many leadership positions in school, and played violin and viola, and gave a speech at graduation was because I didn't want to disappoint my mom. I wanted to make her proud of me. Fast forward to today. After a 30-year career in advertising and marketing, I recognized that my fear of judgment never left. It found a cozy spot in my brain and nestled in for the long haul. It is why I'm motivated by helping other people succeed. My colleagues, my clients, my friends, my children, my husband. It's always about other people. I'm comfortable being in the background, providing the support and direction for other people to take the spotlight and shine. It brings me great joy to see someone basking in the glow of success, knowing that I had a role in making that happen. I only played because it was a dream my mother had for me, but there was an element of performing that I really did love. It was a feeling I got for being a small part of such a big and beautiful sound. Such a rush. I had no desire at all to be the soloist taking a bow. I was fulfilled by playing my supporting role and felt success when the entire orchestra stood up to accept the audience's applause. Looking back, I think it was my fear of judgment and vulnerability that were at play. I found the role I was good at and comfortable with, and I've happily stayed there. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit this spring, and I found myself with a lot more time on my hands, I delved into audiobooks. I started out with light fiction because it provided a mental escape for me, kind of like a vacation for my brain. Then the George Floyd tragedy lit a giant fuse for the Black Lives Matter movement, and I shifted to books that would educate me on the white privilege I have but didn't understand. And wow, did I learn a lot. That led me to look deeper inside myself. Something I'm not keen on doing. And yes, it made me uncomfortable. I thought about how I used to be such a confident high achiever with dreams of climbing the corporate ladder and having it all. A glamorous life of perfect houses and foreign travel, a handsome husband, two perfect kids. I was following that path and thought I was going in the right direction when I realized about twelve years into it that I'd gotten lost. The path I was following instead was one of being the best mother possible. And that was okay. I was happy with that. I love being a mother, like I really love being a mother so much more than I thought I would. Having children was never really a dream of mine. It was just something on my checklist of what I needed in order to have a fulfilled life. I think that's where my life shifted, and I hit pause on me. Everything I did was in service to my family, and as an eternally optimistic person, I convinced myself that was all I needed to be happy. I mean, seriously, what makes a mother happier than putting a smile on her child's face? But if I'm being honest, I was jealous of those women who had passions outside of their family and their job. Something that fueled their soul and made them so happy they would pay a babysitter to allow them that escape. Creating art, exercising, volunteering, building a business. For whatever reason, I always managed to come up with an excuse that kept me from even trying to find a new variety of joy. That jealousy turned to shame, and I've been sitting on it for the past twenty years. I'm now done with shame. Okay, it's a work in progress, I'll admit. But seriously, I'm tired of the fear of not being good enough, keeping me from being my authentic self and trying new things. The idea for this podcast struck me one morning in the hour just before I awoke, which is when I tend to have my best eureka moments. As I lay under the covers with my eyes closed, mulling it over in my head, it stirred something in my heart, in my head, and injected an excitement in me that I haven't felt in a long, long time. This podcast instantly felt right for me and like something I was being called to do. I started making a list in my head of women I knew who were like me. Those who have kept so much of their life to themselves. Some of them have shared stories with me that are incredible. Others haven't, but I know they are rich with life's journey as well. The journalist in me knows that others will find value in hearing about their experiences, and maybe by sharing them with me and you, they'll be able to break the same shame cycle that I'm attempting to. That led me to make a commitment to myself to do this podcast. If other people get something out of it, awesome. If it becomes really popular, even better. But that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing this podcast for me. I really do enjoy helping other people, and through this, I'm helping myself in the process. There are several women who I've looked to as inspirations for this Quiet Women podcast, and I want to say thank you. The first is Robin Roberts. Yes, that Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. Ever since she became a GMA anchor, I've said I want to be her. Seriously, you can ask my husband. Her job looks like so much fun. Regardless if they're a celebrity or a regular person like me, she brings people's stories forward in a warm and approachable manner. She sincerely cares about them and the story they have to tell, and she's uniquely herself, allowing her emotion and personal history to be seen as part of her own story. She's not a cold facts-only reporter, as so many journalists are. She lets her heart and strength and optimism come through, and that's what I hope to model here. The second is Brene Brown. I mentioned my delve into audiobooks. After learning about white privilege and what I can do to help the Black Lives Matter movement, Brene's book, Daring Greatly, was the first self-help book I consumed. Like ever. I haven't even been brave enough to take the first step of recognizing I was worthy of more. I identified so much with the shame, judgment, perfectionism, and vulnerability issues she described that I frequently had to hit pause to reflect on my own experience. Had I had the actual book, I would have been underlining sections and making notes in the columns. Her research and writing validated my feelings and took some of the shame away. So much of what she wrote about spoke to me. I especially liked this affirmation, which I'm using for this project. Give myself the courage to show up and let myself be seen. It's written on a slip of paper on my desk, a staring me in the face right now. A day after I finished staring greatly, I was ready to keep the self-help train rolling. I liked the fire it was lighting under me, so I listened to Rachel Hollis reading her book Girl Stop Apologizing, and it also spoke to me. Especially the part about how women find excuses to talk themselves out of their own dreams. Yep. The fear of failure is one I've subconsciously used time and again. I spend so much time trying to make something perfect, only to abandon it before I can get there. So I'm going into this podcast knowing it's going to be imperfect, which is hard. So hard. And that's why I'm going to continue to listen to Brene and Rachel as my own personal cheerleaders. I should also mention two of my closest friends, Amy and Jenny, who gave me the extra push I needed to get quiet women off the ground, and they have some amazing stories themselves. I can't wait to introduce them to you in future episodes. And if you are a quiet woman with a story to share, or would like to nominate someone to be a guest on this podcast, please reach out to me at QuietWomenPodcast at gmail.com. Until next time, remember, your silence doesn't define you. Your unique and complex life is what has made you into the amazing person you are today. I see you. We all see you. And we are here for you, and we cheer for you.